Feeling-thingys.

So there is one thing that you should know about me – I have trouble opening up to people, even my family.

I don’t know why but it’s almost like I have a disease, and this disease is called “I can’t say anything personal without being emotional” disorder. Everytime people ask me how I feel about something, as soon as I try to say something, my nose turns sour, I have a lump in my throat, my voice goes thin and weak, and my eyes start to get watery.

Don’t get me wrong: I get emotional doesn’t mean I’m upset or that I’m angry about anything. I just have this overwhelming emotion that I just need to release somehow…

Because the situation often gets so embarrassing that I have learned to just stop talking about any of those feeling-things to anyone in general. It’s nonsense and obstructive to any healthy relationship in fact. And retrospectively, I think this is also the reason why most of my relationships from the past hasn’t worked out so great.

I find it super hard for me to focus on telling the story and putting my feelings into words when I’m busy processing those emotions, that I’d rather not talk about them and pretend that they don’t exist. I know the fact that I bottle them up, store them in a cupboard somewhere inside me and ignore them all together is probably not the best thing to do, but I do it anyways. When do people actually do things that are constructive to themselves anyways right?

Once in a while, when THAT time of the month comes around, or when I’m stressed about something or someone, I would take these bottles out and smash them onto my imaginary floor like a crazy woman. It’s kind of like letting the genie out of the lamp except that this genie doesn’t grant any wishes, it just comes out and makes you cry your eyes out until you’re exhausted and feel like a total piece of worthless crap.

 

Maybe I really need to learn how to tell people how I feel without being an emotional wreck or maybe I’m just a little piece of worthless zap too vulnerable to withstand any blow.

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